2002-11-26 8:03 p.m.
I am sick. Not a stupid cold, that everyone gets and whines incessantly that they have a runny nose. I wish I had a runny nose. I am a germ magnet; wow for anyone who thought I was attractive isn't going to in about 5 minutes. I have had mono twice, I get sties on my eyes all the time, chronic migraines and I have had a fight with cervical cancer which has resulted in endless UTI's and infections and countless trips to the fun-filled office of the Ob-Gyn. I hate to sound like a hypochondriac but I am convinced there is something wrong with me that the doctors just haven't seen. Every time I go to the damn gyno I complain of the same things, they write me a 50$ prescription and send me on my way and yet I never feel any better. My diagnosis isn't the obvious; I have no bun in my oven. I just have constant pain; I will feel like I am getting stabbed through the stomach one minute then have cramps the next and I am just at my wits end. I don't want to be sick anymore. I can't remember the last day that I successfully completed without feeling shitty. Sad huh? Being that I am only 19. And it's so frustrating because when you have a serious problem, like cancer, what it the first thing the doctor will ask? Does it run in your family? Well I would love to know the answer to that more than you know. My real Mom died when I was 8 (my mom references in the past have been step-mom) and though I am over it as much as you can be given how old I was and how she died, I can't help but think of her when I have no idea why I am so sick and if it was inherited and basically where the fuck the other half of me came from. I used to remember things about her, but I was 8. How many vivid memories do you really have from when you were 8? Especially enough memories to keep an entire person you'll never see again locked away in your mind.
1. She wore a perfume called Maroc.
2. She had a contagious laugh.
3. She would drive out of her way to get Clinique make-up.
4. She used a picture of me for her bookmark in a college textbook.
5. She was a hairdresser and the chemicals she used resulted in her hands being broken out a lot.
6. She got a nose job.
7. She loved Twin Peaks and the theme song, "Fire, Walk With Me."
Christ, I can't even think of 10.... only 7. Though I have wandered quite a bit from my original thought, this is something I will have to deal with forever and hopefully being ill won't be. Ah, and now I bid adieu with a song for the moment
Eva
(Words and Music: Jay Gordon/Amir Derakh/Bobby Hewitt/Ryan Shuck/Paige Haley)
You know I started to grow since you've been away > Lately, it's scarier not knowing what's become of you > Are you proud of me now, I can't tell > I'm not as fearless as you > Still I pretend that you're still standing by > To show me wrong from right > Never got a chance to say goodbye > Take this gift from me, hold it deep in mind, forever and never let this go > I used to think you were crazy > When you were hooked to the screen > But now they tell me that you're in a better place > But where did you go > And I wear sometimes you're watching over me > Still I'd give the world for the chance just to see your face again > Now, there's nothing left but time > Know that I'm following you > Eva's always on my mind and it makes me wonder > What happened to you? > You know it makes me wonder > Still I pretend that you're still standing by to show me wrong from right > And never let this go away
- - August 14, 2004
- - June 02, 2004
Cheer - March 08, 2004
It's Not a Tumor... - February 26, 2004
I need a doctor - February 22, 2004
