2002-12-01 3:35 p.m.
I make myself so angry sometimes; I can honestly say I am displeased at myself as a human being right now. Not because of something physical on the outside, I have already accepted that I have a big ass, but something actually important, on the inside. Saying that I am dead deep down would be over exaggerating this, but I am starting to think that I am lacking some vital aspects of what being a normal person entails. Not even entirely, just with certain people. I have a very short temper, and when I get agitated I loose all reasoning and all aspects of understanding (not mental understanding, I won't start to burn stuff or anything) and it scares me. It's more than obvious that it is hereditary because my father is the same way, so am I doomed? Admitting you have a problem is the hardest part, wow sounds like I am an alcoholic, and wanting to be able to change is great, but easier said than done. How can you change the way you have acted all your life? To deal with the fucking abandonment complex that I have managed to obtain thanks to traumatic shit I've dealt with. Feeling that everyone that cares about you so much will eventually leave me behind. And taking your fears, which are actually years in the making and not even stemmed from a particular person but is eventually thrown in their face. Argh. Instead of beating around the bush I should just come out and say, that I sometimes don't like the way I act and I am scared that the person I care about more than anything else in the world will get scared away. Wow, how much do I suck? My last two entries have brought tears to my eyes, now that's no fun, I need to get back to bitching about Florida drivers and bad sweaters. And what better way to end a down entry than with a song from The Cure :)
i've been looking so long at these pictures of
you that I almost believe that they're real I've
been living so long with my pictures of you that
i almost believe that the pictures are all I can
feel
remembering you standing quiet in the rain as
i ran to your heart to be near and we kissed as
the sky fell in holding you close how I always
held close in your fear remembering you
running soft through the night you were bigger
and brighter than the snow and
screamed at the make-believe screamed at the
sky and you finally found all your courage to
let it all go
remembering you fallen into my arms crying
for the death of your heart you were stone
white so delicate lost in the cold you were
always so lost in the dark remembering you
how you used to be slow drowned you were
angels so much more than everything oh hold
for the last time then slip away quietly open
my eyes but I never see anything
if only I had thought of the right words I could
have hold on to your heart if only I'd thought of
the right words I wouldn't be breaking apart all
my pictures of you
Looking So long at these pictures of you but i
never hold on to your heart looking so long for
the words to be true but always just breaking
apart my pictures of you
there was nothing in the world that I ever
wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart
there was nothing in the world that I ever
wanted more than to never feel the breaking
apart all my pictures of you
- - August 14, 2004
- - June 02, 2004
Cheer - March 08, 2004
It's Not a Tumor... - February 26, 2004
I need a doctor - February 22, 2004
