2003-01-31 2:01 p.m.
I don�t think I can ever make through one day and just be happy�. I just can�t. I am always worried about something, or not feeling well or trying to figure out what it is about myself that seems to make people so angry. This should be no new thing for me, I don�t know why I am letting it get to me now. I am not good at talking� I mean I just can�t walk up to someone and say, �how are you,� or � hope you feel better.� It isn�t that I don�t care; it isn�t that I couldn�t give a shit about you� I don�t know why it is so hard for me. And due to this I always get called selfish or self-centered and my actions get misconstrued so badly, and I can�t even justify myself because no amount of talking will excuse why I didn�t care enough to ask how you were doing today, and like I said it isn�t that I don�t care. My parents have done this all my life� I will say one thing they will hear it as another, I will do something and they will see the complete opposite. The only two things that stick out in my mind is once when I was 13 my mom and I were at the mall and I jokingly laughed and walked up to a Mercedes and said �Well here�s our car�� My mother later yelled at me that I didn�t appreciate her and her car. Then last year before they had met John, she said to me that she wanted to meet him so badly because she wanted to see that it was possible for me to care about someone else. I can�t force people to see that I am not what I appear to be� People for some reason get this predetermined notion that I am this awful spoiled person and can never completely see around it. The thing that I own that means the most to me is a blanket. A baby blanket I�ve had since I was born that is torn and discolored and doesn�t really resemble a blanket anymore. But that thing means more to me than anything I could ever buy� I feel empty; I don�t even feel like a person� I can�t when it seems everything I think and do makes those closest to me feel bad.
- - August 14, 2004
- - June 02, 2004
Cheer - March 08, 2004
It's Not a Tumor... - February 26, 2004
I need a doctor - February 22, 2004
