2003-04-10 7:39 p.m.
I�m having a very down day. The main reason I have down days to begin with is because my self-esteem is almost non-existent. I have always been a perfectionist in everything I do� my Cd�s must all be in alphabetical order, my shirts in descending size, but I still have to lay down on the bed to zip my pants up. I hate feeling that some skinny tanned girl is automatically better then I am just because of our appearance. I can�t even sit out by my pool in peace, someone who (in my mind) looks better then me will appear next to me and I�ll go inside because I don�t feel adequate.
I try so hard to be the best girlfriend that I can be. The path his last relationship had taken can only explain my obsession with this. It isn�t an obsession I realize, I do it all without noticing. And it all has to do with sex. I buy cute lingerie, offer to watch porno�s, subscribe to Playboy, all in some strange effort to be irresistible to my boyfriend. Needless to say it backfires in my face and my boyfriend isn�t in the mood and then masturbates when I am out of the house. Don�t get me wrong I�m not mad at the guy for masturbating; hell I do it all the time too. I just get offended, that he�s always ready to watch something alone, but not with me. Porn is a big deal to my boyfriend, and I want to be able to share it with him. This begins that whole low self-esteem thing I mentioned. I think how can I compete with porn? I�m not a gorgeous blonde going down on another gorgeous blonde. I don�t know why I feel this way, or why I can�t fucking think about it without getting tears in my eyes. I just want the feeling of being completely wanted. I don�t want the old married couple feeling, where we only have sex Wednesday nights.
I don�t know what�s wrong with me, I don�t know how to make myself feel better, all I know is I can�t write anymore because it�s very unprofessional to cry at work.
- - August 14, 2004
- - June 02, 2004
Cheer - March 08, 2004
It's Not a Tumor... - February 26, 2004
I need a doctor - February 22, 2004
