November 06, 2003 11:28 a.m.
I really wish I could figure out why I have such low self-esteem. I have good qualities I know that. But because I am not a size 6 I can't seem to grasp the fact that I'm still an okay person. I wish I could poke my brain a bit and change how I feel, but nothing seems to help. Whether or not I would be ready to mention it to him, it has a part to do with boyfriend. NOT meaning he doesn't find me attractive, but I'm always finding myself trying to hard to impress him. I know deep down I don't have to; he's seen me at bad times; puking my brains out after having too much rum and carnival rides, being a mess when my parents moved away, and varies other emotional outbursts I have and he still loves me. But still I try to be "super girlfriend", I consume all my time with work and school, eating good and have become anal about house cleaning. I download naughty things for him so when he comes home from work he'll be entertained... all because I want him to think that he has the best girlfriend. I think I push myself too hard. His last girlfriend was an intolerable cow (think the Anna Nicole show... even looked like her). She was dumb, kept a dirty house, liked bad movies and was really really unfeminine. He was so miserable with her, deep down I'm scared if I don't go above and beyond to be kick ass he won't be happy. WHICH IS SO FUCKING STUPID I WANT TO SLAP MYSELF. This all does tie in with how I view myself. Since I'm still, according to doctors and my scale "overweight", I feel like I'm failing. I'm such a perfectionist in every aspect of my life, I just don't understand why I can't be in regards to my shape. I've felt pressure to be thin as far back as I can remember. My dad is obsessed with looking good and working out; ironically my mom, my sister and I are all "curvy". My dad views perfection as how good someone's abs look, not by his or her intelligence. And every time he makes a comment like that I feel like I am disappointing him. Of course, my mom telling my dad, "has Sara put on weight?" doesn't help much either. She said that two months ago, since then I've lost about 6 pounds and she can't stop gushing about how good I look; yet I don't see a thing. I've was made fun of some during high school for my weight and I'll never forget it. And those comments that some dickface who is probably failing out of college right now said to me, contributed to my altered self perception, with my view of an imperfect figure as a sign of weakness, my habit of walking with my head down and not being confident, me always sitting in the back of the class and not talking, me hearing a laugh and thinking it's directed towards me. I'm fucked up in the head I think. Once you type all that stuff out, you realize how silly it all is. I just think my thoughts run a bit deeper than the typical "I'm fat" bullshit that every woman says every day. Maybe this is all just subconscious motivation to do those extra few crunches.
- - August 14, 2004
- - June 02, 2004
Cheer - March 08, 2004
It's Not a Tumor... - February 26, 2004
I need a doctor - February 22, 2004
